Hello there web designer! In this series you’ll be learning all about web design and its effects on your supple fresh mind. We’ll be exploring a number of topics about what web design is, how to use your web design, and what your web design can do for you. In this first lesson we’ll be talking about meetings and how to conduct yourself during one. Oh boy! Adventure! Let’s get started right away – shall we?

 

Arriving at your meeting:

Congratulations web designer! Due to client request, mutual agreement, or in response to your ransom note you’ve got a meeting today – let’s get ready! First things first – make sure you’re dressed for the occasion. Keep those side burns manageable Bobby Web Designer and let’s keep those ankles covered Missy Web Designer – we don’t our prospective client to think we’re hussies or back alley prostitutes giving four dollar lessons in sexuality in the Home Depot parking lot – now do we? Golly no! You’ll want to dress up extra nice for this meeting – but keep it one step below wearing a suit. You don’t want to make too strong of an impression with those dashing good looks, you’ll risk making the client uncomfortable like when the right side of your underwear rides up your butt crack leaving your left cheek covered, causing an unnatural rift in your undergarments making you walk like a dodo bird. Nobody likes a dodo bird Bobby!

 

Be sure to show up to the office building, retail establishment, or third mirrored eye of everlasting rue-light in the sixth dimension - at least ten minutes early – wherever your meeting is. You want to give yourself enough time to find the place – and if you aren’t familiar with the area, you can always trust resources like Google or Yahoo to provide a map for you that’s horrible inaccurate. This will give you enough time to raise your fist to the sky and call down the thousand-year-old curses your creepy uncle that used to dress like a Shaman taught you. Before you know it you’ll be covered in chicken bones and the blood of a hobo – ready to make that first impression and surely impress the client with your tenacity and gung-ho attitude. Great job web designer!

 

Introductions and pleasantries:

You’ll likely be offered a beverage of your choice by an unusually attractive and underpaid receptionist. Be sure to politely decline this offer – you don’t want to risk spilling anything on yourself making it look like you’ve wet your pants even though you were only ten years old and you told everyone it was an accident at the drinking fountain. Pretend to take an interest in the environment you’re presented with. Admire the art on the walls and get really close – like you’re squinting. That’s what people on TV and in an art gallery do, so that’s what you’ll do too – you want to appear smart don’t you Bobby? You want to prove your father wrong about you don’t you Bobby? Then squint – you start squinting right now like you mean it. Good! A+ for effort! When your prospective client or a member of the meeting comes out to get you, view them in your peripheral vision and pretend like you don’t see them. Wait for them to say your name, then turn on your heels and hold out your hand for a good how-do-you-do shaking. Remember – you’re in charge here web designer – and you’ll decide how things go down in this mother!

 

When shaking hands, be sure to give a firm but not too tight hand shake – that’s what fat guys do because they think they’re tough and strong. On the other hand (no pun intended!) if you receive a gentle or weak handshake from a woman – that’s bad enough – but if it’s a guy giving you this weak fingered hello – you shake the dandy right out of him! He’ll learn to give a man’s handshake or he’ll learn what real pain is, won’t he web designer! Sure thing he will! Shake that hand until you hear a pop or a scream – then wait for the sound of a bird cawing and your work is done. Onward with our meeting!

 

Opening statements and discussion:

Now that we’re in the actual meeting itself, allow the client to open up the discussion by talking first. If they don’t say anything – be sure to keep silent and look them directly in the eye – this will establish your dominance and let the client know you mean business! If the client starts to shift uncomfortably in their seat after about an hour of this staring – feel free to clear your throat or growl in a low tone to remind them you are the alpha in this meeting, and the client can have their turn at this zebra carcass when you’re good and well finished. If you haven’t up until this point – bring out your designs (either on a laptop or in a portfolio) and show them around the room to familiarize everyone with your skill set. Be sure to insist that they keep their greasy paws from finger-printing your designs up too much, unless of course you’re collecting false evidence for your next serial murder, in that case let them finger-print away! Fun!

 

When discussing the project at hand, be sure to ask as many questions as you can – relevant or not – to get a firm grasp on what the client is looking for in their project. Ask them how many design mockups they’d like to see, what websites they’ve seen that they like, what their color scheme is, how much a lap dance with a happy ending costs at the club across the street, and if they have any logos or branding in place for the project. Smile in a polite yet not creepy fashion, and laugh at any of the small talk jokes the client may make – except for the mildly racist ones. We don’t want to offend our Asian friends – no sir! They know karate!

 

Closing the meeting:

You’ll know when the meeting is coming to an end by the sound of your stopwatch going off, or when words like “welp”, “okay then”, “all righty”, and “please leave” are spoken. This is the most crucial time in a meeting, leaving the client with a lasting impression that will have them drifting off during their dinner that night thinking about you while they simply spin their fork in their meal and ignore the questions from the other half of their failed marriage. Do something surprising to leave this impression like giving out coffee mugs with your company logo on them – or raising your shirt slowly to reveal your left nipple, licking your lips, and mouthing the words “he’ll never love you like this”. This will likely make the client want to sign you up for project work immediately, or invite you to a rave taking place in an abandoned orphanage across town that evening. Either way web designer, you’re doing a simply bang up job – and ecstasy is in your future!

 

After the meeting has come to an end, you’ll want to pass out a hearty round of handshakes and nice-to-meet-you’s. Keep up that professional attitude and make sure that smile is sparkling. Boy howdy – I’m sure envious of you web designer – I wish I could hang your corpse from industrial meat hooks and wear your skin like a costume! Haha – I’m just joshing you web designer –you’re doing great! On your way out of the meeting try to avoid passing gas, tripping, or groping the receptionist – there will be plenty of time for all of that when you break into her house later that evening.

 

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Great work! You’ve come to the end of lesson 1 of Your Web Design and You: Meetings.

I hope the lessons you’ve learned here will serve you well. Get ready; it’s time for our end of chapter quiz section. Sharpen those brains web designers – here we go!

 

1.) When you are driving to the meeting, is it okay to solicit illegal substance dealers on the way there? If not, why?

2.) When greeting the client, should you give them a firm handshake, a hug, or slowly lick the palm of their hand?

3.) If the you and the prospective client have a disagreement during the meeting, should you agree to disagree, change the subject, or threaten their family?

4.) Should your portfolio be presented on materials stained with feces? If so, explain.

5.) When at the end of a meeting, should you stand up first, let the client stand up first, or if the client tries to stand up loudly order they remain seated or “it will go off”.

 

Put your brains on your desks when you’re finished, and pass your worksheets to Jupiter.

 

(source: www.yousuckatwebdesign.com)